The last couple of days haven't been the greatest for me. I've been a bit sick... small fever, stomach cramps ( which you know what comes along with that )... and a slight bit of depression. I think it may be the weather. For the last couple of days, it's been raining... there hasn't been sun and I just feel like crap. I'm not going to go all out on the sad things that are bothering me. If you read the blog post that is below this one, I think you'll get a wonderful grasp on what the problem with me is. Not to mention, I am very very home sick. I miss my mom a tremendous amount and really need some quality mother.daughter time..
Aside from that.. my problem of the day is this: I am afraid of failing. We all know that photography is a very hard job to get into. It's not easy. It's competitive. And I honestly am afraid of not making it in the photography business. I know that I am a wonderful photographer and I know that many people want me to take their images... but how long is this fairytale going to last? How long are people going to want me to take their pictures for? I am so amazingly passionate about this line of work that I have chosen to follow. I enjoy seeing the smiles on families faces when trying to get an image that shows the love within that family. I enjoy watching new babies sleep while I capture that precious moment for that babies parents. I enjoy the chaos that comes when photographing a group of children that are of the ages 8 and under and all the laughs and smiles and cries and fits that go with it. I enjoy the tremendous amount of love that is shared on someones wedding day. I am just so in love with this job. But quite honestly, I'm afraid of failing. I want to be able to make a living out of this. To have a nice, sizable house with nice things in it. I know that materialistic things aren't important, but is it really so bad to want to have those things? I want to be able to invite future clients over to have cocktails or martini's with me, to have girls night where we scrapbook or ... play games and talk about the newest TV series that just came on. Am I going to be able to have the kind of husband that my Dad was to my mom and have wonderful kids to watch play in the back yard? Kids that are yelling " Mommy " and jumping on my bed to wake me up in the mornings. Kids where, I can kiss their boo boo's and everything will be okay and need cuddling when the big scary monster is after them. Will this all come? Will I be able to have a life like this? Will I be able to cook supper every night and have it on the table for my husband when he comes home and have him help me with dishes and kiss me to show his appreciation for the meal that I just made?
Blah. I know this all comes in time but... I just want it so bad that it seems it'll never happen. I really enjoy the life I have now and everyone and everything that is in it. But I also worry about not being able to make a future. Because it would devastate me if I never had these opportunities that I just listed.
And speaking of supper.. I must now go cook for my wonderful boyfriend and I.
-Kayla
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