Degrade: to lower in character or
quality; debase....to reduce in amount,
strength, intensity, etc. ...
Growing up... I can honestly say that I've had the best friends in the entire world. I've been such a blessed person in that area. Never have any of the people I hung around asked me to change any part of my character... my personality... who I am. They never even mentioned anything negative about me, because I am just a respected person because I give respect. Though I can be a negative person at times, I have a very uplifting, bubbly personality. I can make people laugh.. hell... I make myself laugh sometimes. I have been told when I have done something to upset someone and how it needs to be solved... I've been told when I've made mistakes... but never have I been told to change how I am.
Recently I've been put in a position where I'm constantly being degraded. I have been told to tone down my personality. I have been told that people can't handle my intensity. The way I express myself. And I have a very strong reaction to it.
At first... I was like... well this makes me feel... and you're making me feel like this. It has nothing to do with MY feelings. It has absolutely nothing to do with anything that I have done wrong. Because Hello people, news flash. Being yourself isn't wrong. It's not unacceptable. And how fucking dare you have the audacity to open your mouth and tell me that I need to tone down who I am or change my personality. Seriously. How dare you? You DO NOT have the right do tell a person that. Take a look around. It's not the person's fault for acting the way they do, or having the personality they have, it's you who has the problem of not being able to accept who they are. It's you who cannot handle that everyone loves who I am. It's you who resents the fact that I can be friends with just about everyone I meet. I cannot stand my words being turned around and manipulated into what the other person is feeling. And telling ME how a situation is when in fact, it's not a situation involving me at all.. it's a situation involving the other person and the other person only.
You are not allowed to tell me how to be. You are not allowed to degrade me. It is not okay for you to place the blame on anyone but yourself. It's not okay to say the problem lies within me.
It is okay to admit that the problem lies within you.
Do not patronize me. Do not degrade me. Do not be little me. Do not devalue me.
You do not get to do that. Ever.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Friday, June 8, 2012
Jealousy: mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry,unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.
It's astonishing to me what jealousy can do to an individual. What I find even more astonishing, is how one can be jealous of an individual who is completely themselves, and comfortable with it. A lot of people strive to make people jealous of them. But why would you even want that? People become very vicious when they're jealous. There's a lot of petty jealousy... such as being jealous over someone's clothes or that someone is going on vacation... but when you're jealous over someone who is emotionally stable... someone who know's what they want.... someone who is successful in life... that's a vicious jealousy. People become very emotionally abusive, very degrading. When one craves what another individual has, but has come to terms that they will never have it, their life becomes bout taking everything that's so uniquely special about them, and making it something that's completely worthless. But only if you let them.
It's hard not to defend yourself when someone has bashed everything good about you. When they have told you that how you are and how you feel is not correct, that it doesn't matter, that your way of thinking or feeling is completely useless, you automatically want to lash out, defend yourself, tell them that everything they're saying is wrong, that you are a good person and the way you are is outstanding. This is where we must stop. We must stop defending ourselves. Because that's what these predators want. They want that argument. They want you to throw out words of defense, but only so they can take those words and degrade you even more. And you ask yourself... "Does this really make them feel better about themselves? Taking away my pride? Taking away my dignity?" and the answer is.. Yes.. It does. Temporarily. The reason people get jealous, is from insecurities about themselves. They envy you. They want to be like you. But there is only one you. And you are so fucking beautiful.
Ignore the jealousy. Don't fall into the chase. Don't fall into the traps that jealous people set up for you. Don't let their words ruin you.
Just be you. No one else matters.
It's astonishing to me what jealousy can do to an individual. What I find even more astonishing, is how one can be jealous of an individual who is completely themselves, and comfortable with it. A lot of people strive to make people jealous of them. But why would you even want that? People become very vicious when they're jealous. There's a lot of petty jealousy... such as being jealous over someone's clothes or that someone is going on vacation... but when you're jealous over someone who is emotionally stable... someone who know's what they want.... someone who is successful in life... that's a vicious jealousy. People become very emotionally abusive, very degrading. When one craves what another individual has, but has come to terms that they will never have it, their life becomes bout taking everything that's so uniquely special about them, and making it something that's completely worthless. But only if you let them.
It's hard not to defend yourself when someone has bashed everything good about you. When they have told you that how you are and how you feel is not correct, that it doesn't matter, that your way of thinking or feeling is completely useless, you automatically want to lash out, defend yourself, tell them that everything they're saying is wrong, that you are a good person and the way you are is outstanding. This is where we must stop. We must stop defending ourselves. Because that's what these predators want. They want that argument. They want you to throw out words of defense, but only so they can take those words and degrade you even more. And you ask yourself... "Does this really make them feel better about themselves? Taking away my pride? Taking away my dignity?" and the answer is.. Yes.. It does. Temporarily. The reason people get jealous, is from insecurities about themselves. They envy you. They want to be like you. But there is only one you. And you are so fucking beautiful.
Ignore the jealousy. Don't fall into the chase. Don't fall into the traps that jealous people set up for you. Don't let their words ruin you.
Just be you. No one else matters.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
New Year
I really sat down and thought about what the New Year meant. I knew that it was changing from 2011 to 2012.... and that we have 364 day's to go until it's 2013... But what does this New Year really mean?
To me, this new year is a clean slate. It's a chance to start fresh. To let go of all the bad year's you had before this one and make this year the best. So I thought of resolutions that could help me to have a good 2012.
1- I'm going to just start living instead of worrying so much. I spend a lot of my time worrying about this and worrying about that.. Worrying that something won't go right or worrying about if something does go right, when it's going to stop being right. I just want to be me. I just want to stop worrying about what people think of me.... who cares? As long as I know who I am, who cares what anyone thinks of me?!!! Stop worrying about when I'm going to find a man who wants to be with me... who might possibly want to marry me some day and just wait for it to happen naturally. I just simply want to live.
2- This is something that I don't want to do but something that I NEED to do. I NEED to start living a healthier lifestyle. Not necessarily going on a strict diet but, cutting down proportions when I eat... and yes eating healthier foods, but not cutting out all the foods that I love either. And not just eating healthier but, exercising as well... incorporating exercise into my life daily or if not daily, then at least 3-4 times a week. I just want to feel better about myself. And not just that, but I don't want to have a heart attack at the age of 21. Not that I'm close to that, but I could be if I keep going the way I'm going. I also don't want to be so over weight that I can't have children. It is a huge fear of mine that because of the way I live and how big I am, that I won't be able to have kids. And that scares me. So a healthier lifestyle I will live.
3- I want to really follow my dreams with photography. If I have an idea, find a model to help me get the idea out. If I want to send my portfolio to a magazine, then take that leap of faith and send it in. Whether anything great comes from it or not, that doesn't matter to me. What matters to me is that I keep trying. That I don't give up. That if I get shot down from a major magazine company or anything that I choose to do, that I take whatever critique they may give me and try to make my work better. And then send it in again. And just keep trying and trying even if each time I keep failing. I want to be able to say that I have never given up on something that I am so passionate about. I also hope that I can really take off with my personal photography. Such as family portraits, senior portraits, weddings, etc. I want to become more aggressive and go after what I really want. I have the skills and knowledge to be really great, and I want to prove to the world that I can be.
4- And last but not least... I want to start a memory jar. It is just a mason jar that you decorate and you cut a hole in the top of the jar.. you write down a good or bad memory that happened to you every single day of the year. And at the end of the year, you can read them... and if not, you can just save them until you want to read them. I'm going to really do this.... I'm going to write down a good memory every single day and put it in my jar. If my friends want to contribute to the memories, that's even better! But I'm going to really follow through with this. I will bring my jar everywhere so I never miss a memory =].
I hope you all have a wonderful and happy new year and that you can accomplish all you want to accomplish in 2012 <3
Love, Kayla
To me, this new year is a clean slate. It's a chance to start fresh. To let go of all the bad year's you had before this one and make this year the best. So I thought of resolutions that could help me to have a good 2012.
1- I'm going to just start living instead of worrying so much. I spend a lot of my time worrying about this and worrying about that.. Worrying that something won't go right or worrying about if something does go right, when it's going to stop being right. I just want to be me. I just want to stop worrying about what people think of me.... who cares? As long as I know who I am, who cares what anyone thinks of me?!!! Stop worrying about when I'm going to find a man who wants to be with me... who might possibly want to marry me some day and just wait for it to happen naturally. I just simply want to live.
2- This is something that I don't want to do but something that I NEED to do. I NEED to start living a healthier lifestyle. Not necessarily going on a strict diet but, cutting down proportions when I eat... and yes eating healthier foods, but not cutting out all the foods that I love either. And not just eating healthier but, exercising as well... incorporating exercise into my life daily or if not daily, then at least 3-4 times a week. I just want to feel better about myself. And not just that, but I don't want to have a heart attack at the age of 21. Not that I'm close to that, but I could be if I keep going the way I'm going. I also don't want to be so over weight that I can't have children. It is a huge fear of mine that because of the way I live and how big I am, that I won't be able to have kids. And that scares me. So a healthier lifestyle I will live.
3- I want to really follow my dreams with photography. If I have an idea, find a model to help me get the idea out. If I want to send my portfolio to a magazine, then take that leap of faith and send it in. Whether anything great comes from it or not, that doesn't matter to me. What matters to me is that I keep trying. That I don't give up. That if I get shot down from a major magazine company or anything that I choose to do, that I take whatever critique they may give me and try to make my work better. And then send it in again. And just keep trying and trying even if each time I keep failing. I want to be able to say that I have never given up on something that I am so passionate about. I also hope that I can really take off with my personal photography. Such as family portraits, senior portraits, weddings, etc. I want to become more aggressive and go after what I really want. I have the skills and knowledge to be really great, and I want to prove to the world that I can be.
4- And last but not least... I want to start a memory jar. It is just a mason jar that you decorate and you cut a hole in the top of the jar.. you write down a good or bad memory that happened to you every single day of the year. And at the end of the year, you can read them... and if not, you can just save them until you want to read them. I'm going to really do this.... I'm going to write down a good memory every single day and put it in my jar. If my friends want to contribute to the memories, that's even better! But I'm going to really follow through with this. I will bring my jar everywhere so I never miss a memory =].
I hope you all have a wonderful and happy new year and that you can accomplish all you want to accomplish in 2012 <3
Saturday, November 12, 2011
The "Love Yourself" Project
Alright everyone! I don't know how to ask certain people to help me with my project without sounding like a biotch. So I'm going to tell you what my plan is for a project and then I hope I'll get some responses =].....
If you go to, http://stophatingyourbody.tumblr.com... you will see people of all shapes and sizes that have an issue with themselves.
What I want to do, is take people of all shapes and sizes who have insecurities, who have things that they're so self conscious about, things that they really don't let other people know, and take pictures of everything they're insecure about. I want to make a book. Whether it gets published, or whether I just pass it out to the people featured in the book, I don't mind. But I REALLY want this project to be successful.
My thought is, to have everyone who wants to participate, write down what they're insecure about. I want really raw emotion. I want things written like you were going to write your deepest feelings about yourself in a journal. After you've done that, You would send it to me thru a message or email. I want to get to know my clients before I take the pictures, I want to know what makes you so insecure and self conscious. Then, we would get together, I would take pictures of everything you're insecure about, to show you that you're so beautiful. Then, I would write what I saw in you. Basically, this would all be put together as a book.
Usually photographers have some kind of motivation to get people to help them. I don't know what I can give you to help me with my project. But my hope is that, you all can learn to love yourselves as much as everyone else in the world does. It'll be sort of like a therapy for your suffering. I hope that I can take this project and maybe have a gallery showing in my town, so everyone else can see how amazingly beautiful you all are.
PLEASE message me for more info. You can message me here on facebook or you can email me at kaylagwenphotography@gmail.com.
Lets start loving ourselves
-Kayla
If you go to, http://stophatingyourbody.tumblr.com... you will see people of all shapes and sizes that have an issue with themselves.
What I want to do, is take people of all shapes and sizes who have insecurities, who have things that they're so self conscious about, things that they really don't let other people know, and take pictures of everything they're insecure about. I want to make a book. Whether it gets published, or whether I just pass it out to the people featured in the book, I don't mind. But I REALLY want this project to be successful.
My thought is, to have everyone who wants to participate, write down what they're insecure about. I want really raw emotion. I want things written like you were going to write your deepest feelings about yourself in a journal. After you've done that, You would send it to me thru a message or email. I want to get to know my clients before I take the pictures, I want to know what makes you so insecure and self conscious. Then, we would get together, I would take pictures of everything you're insecure about, to show you that you're so beautiful. Then, I would write what I saw in you. Basically, this would all be put together as a book.
Usually photographers have some kind of motivation to get people to help them. I don't know what I can give you to help me with my project. But my hope is that, you all can learn to love yourselves as much as everyone else in the world does. It'll be sort of like a therapy for your suffering. I hope that I can take this project and maybe have a gallery showing in my town, so everyone else can see how amazingly beautiful you all are.
PLEASE message me for more info. You can message me here on facebook or you can email me at kaylagwenphotography@gmail.com.
Lets start loving ourselves
-Kayla
Friday, August 26, 2011
Shut Away
Hey guys... Sorry I've been so shut off from the world.. I've been trying to get back on my feet. For a while I honestly forgot I had this blog. Luckily, one of my friends brought it to my attention that she missed my posts. So here I am again posting. And I have absolutely NO clue where to begin.
I have been so busy since I got back home from Massachusetts. First, I was stressing over finding a job so I was constantly job searching. I finally got a job at JC Penny Portrait Studio and I am LOVING it. It is really different from what I learned in school so, I feel like a bit of my education is being dumbed down... so that part I don't like. But I am glad that I have a job and it's taking pictures which I love so much. I'm still doing some stuff on the side but, I haven't really been promoting myself that much so, I haven't been doing as much as I'd like to. I have also started a 365 photo project, which I'll explain later!
A lot of you are probably wondering what's going on with Garrett and I. Though a lot of it I will not share because I want to keep our relationship between us, I will share a bit of what's going on. Right now we have just decided to just stay friends until we have settled down with our lives. We are both in a sort of depression, being away from eachother, living back home with our parents, job hunting, trying to get back on our feet, etc. We both can't really be there for each other the way we should be right now, so we have decided to just keep our relationship a friendship one until we can move forward again. It was tough for a while, but we finally got our crap worked out. =].
Okay so this 365 project. It's one picture a day for 365 days =]. I have always wanted to do one of these projects but, have never really had the time to. I have been searching around on deviantart, piccsy and flickr to get photo inspiration and have come across a lot of 365 projects. I have gotten SO inspired that I decided that, even though my life is crazy right now, I am going to do this too. And I am so excited I have. Though 365 projects vary on what people like to take for images, I have decided to make mine a journey for self love. As a lot of you know, I struggle with my confidence, I have like none... So I am hoping that by the end of this photo journey, I will have learned to love and accept myself and to think that I am an absolutely beautiful person whether I'm a size 2 or a 20.
Which brings me to talk to you all about this!!! I have sent in an application to The Biggest Loser and also to Extreme Makeover:Weight Loss Edition. I know that I have like a FAR shot of actually being on the shows, but I really am hoping that I can be chosen to be on one of them. I really need that kind of push. I also found a resort where you can go to for 12 weeks (it's super expensive tho...) and it's all about working out and getting healthy. I am hoping that I can get sponsored or something like that because it is really expensive but... I feel like for me to really lose the weight I need to lose and to get into the shape that I need to get into, I need to drop everything in my life and concentrate on JUST that... spend my days exercising and learning healthy lifestyles. I'm not sure if anyone else is interested in this type of thing but if you are, here is the link to the website..... http://www.reallifefitnessandhealth.com/
Well ... I guess I am going to end it here. I will continue to update my blog because I actually really miss rambling on about my life haha. Here are a few photos that I've taken recently <3
Much love to you all <3
-Kayla
I have been so busy since I got back home from Massachusetts. First, I was stressing over finding a job so I was constantly job searching. I finally got a job at JC Penny Portrait Studio and I am LOVING it. It is really different from what I learned in school so, I feel like a bit of my education is being dumbed down... so that part I don't like. But I am glad that I have a job and it's taking pictures which I love so much. I'm still doing some stuff on the side but, I haven't really been promoting myself that much so, I haven't been doing as much as I'd like to. I have also started a 365 photo project, which I'll explain later!
A lot of you are probably wondering what's going on with Garrett and I. Though a lot of it I will not share because I want to keep our relationship between us, I will share a bit of what's going on. Right now we have just decided to just stay friends until we have settled down with our lives. We are both in a sort of depression, being away from eachother, living back home with our parents, job hunting, trying to get back on our feet, etc. We both can't really be there for each other the way we should be right now, so we have decided to just keep our relationship a friendship one until we can move forward again. It was tough for a while, but we finally got our crap worked out. =].
Okay so this 365 project. It's one picture a day for 365 days =]. I have always wanted to do one of these projects but, have never really had the time to. I have been searching around on deviantart, piccsy and flickr to get photo inspiration and have come across a lot of 365 projects. I have gotten SO inspired that I decided that, even though my life is crazy right now, I am going to do this too. And I am so excited I have. Though 365 projects vary on what people like to take for images, I have decided to make mine a journey for self love. As a lot of you know, I struggle with my confidence, I have like none... So I am hoping that by the end of this photo journey, I will have learned to love and accept myself and to think that I am an absolutely beautiful person whether I'm a size 2 or a 20.
Which brings me to talk to you all about this!!! I have sent in an application to The Biggest Loser and also to Extreme Makeover:Weight Loss Edition. I know that I have like a FAR shot of actually being on the shows, but I really am hoping that I can be chosen to be on one of them. I really need that kind of push. I also found a resort where you can go to for 12 weeks (it's super expensive tho...) and it's all about working out and getting healthy. I am hoping that I can get sponsored or something like that because it is really expensive but... I feel like for me to really lose the weight I need to lose and to get into the shape that I need to get into, I need to drop everything in my life and concentrate on JUST that... spend my days exercising and learning healthy lifestyles. I'm not sure if anyone else is interested in this type of thing but if you are, here is the link to the website..... http://www.reallifefitnessandhealth.com/
Well ... I guess I am going to end it here. I will continue to update my blog because I actually really miss rambling on about my life haha. Here are a few photos that I've taken recently <3
Much love to you all <3
-Kayla
 |
| I really miss my sisters.. the left this past weekend. we had a really good time together this summer tho! |
 |
| Leaning to love my body <3 |
 |
| No Make up |
 |
| Reconnected with Sharon... we haven't talked or seen eachother in so long! |
 |
| a Sunday Drive, feeling the wind thru my hair. |
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Time Stands Still
Time stands still. Blurs of motion is all i can see as the people around me rush to help. Their mouths move, but no sound comes out. Just the silence that hangs over my head is heard. Long white halls lead us to our unwanted destination. Five minutes turns into long, excruciating, hours. So it seems. The bad news has brought us it's verdict. But I refuse to listen. My best friend can't be gone.
Dark cold room. Empty. Except for the lifeless body that lays in peace, on the crispy white sheets. The overwhelmed family stands in a hand held circle. The man speaks a prayer. But I'm not listening. I can only hear silence.
Alone. His hands are cold. But no amount of cold can erase the love in those hands. Hugs are given with no return. I beg for this to be a dream. My best friend can't be gone. Dad. You can't be gone.
Time Stands Still.
Dark cold room. Empty. Except for the lifeless body that lays in peace, on the crispy white sheets. The overwhelmed family stands in a hand held circle. The man speaks a prayer. But I'm not listening. I can only hear silence.
Alone. His hands are cold. But no amount of cold can erase the love in those hands. Hugs are given with no return. I beg for this to be a dream. My best friend can't be gone. Dad. You can't be gone.
Time Stands Still.
My rant for the day.
My facebook status is complaining about how negative people are ... and this post is going to be negative with is totally contradicting myself, but this is my blog, and I'm aloud to have a negative rant.
I am so sick and tired of everyone sharing their negative, snotty, pissy opinions on facebook. One reason it totally pisses me off is because, no one would ever dare say the shit they say to you to your face, so it's like a coward way of really letting people know how you feel. And another reason is, it's MY facebook page. I have the right to post whatever status I want whether it be negative or positive. I don't give a shit what other people have to say back to it. Unless it's something positive and up beat. Here's an example :
Last night, the president was on TV. I'm a republican, I hate Obama. A lot of people do. A lot of people love him. Good for them, I don't care. I shared my opinion on how I felt about him, and people just started bombarding my status with stupid shit that , I didn't really care about. Yeah you have freedom of speech, but keep it on your own wall, not mine. Obama already knows a lot of people can't stand him, he also knows a lot of people love him, and that's all that matters really. Let me have my opinion without causing a debate.
A happy example would be....
Last night, I posted a status that I went to Zumba and my Zumba instructor is amazing. People had good things to say to me. That's wonderful. Keep it that way.
And I know what people will say... "don't post the status if you don't want people to reply" Okay... true.. but you post whatever the hell you want on your wall, I'll post whatever on mine.
That is all.
I am so sick and tired of everyone sharing their negative, snotty, pissy opinions on facebook. One reason it totally pisses me off is because, no one would ever dare say the shit they say to you to your face, so it's like a coward way of really letting people know how you feel. And another reason is, it's MY facebook page. I have the right to post whatever status I want whether it be negative or positive. I don't give a shit what other people have to say back to it. Unless it's something positive and up beat. Here's an example :
Last night, the president was on TV. I'm a republican, I hate Obama. A lot of people do. A lot of people love him. Good for them, I don't care. I shared my opinion on how I felt about him, and people just started bombarding my status with stupid shit that , I didn't really care about. Yeah you have freedom of speech, but keep it on your own wall, not mine. Obama already knows a lot of people can't stand him, he also knows a lot of people love him, and that's all that matters really. Let me have my opinion without causing a debate.
A happy example would be....
Last night, I posted a status that I went to Zumba and my Zumba instructor is amazing. People had good things to say to me. That's wonderful. Keep it that way.
And I know what people will say... "don't post the status if you don't want people to reply" Okay... true.. but you post whatever the hell you want on your wall, I'll post whatever on mine.
That is all.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Techno Music and Good Photography
My life has been so wonderful lately =]... I have lost 10 pounds in 11 days.. I am SOO excited! The 17 day diet is SO easy to do and the results are so quick... I feel so much healthier and happy and energetic. I'm loving it!
SO here is the latest news! The other day I did Harlee's senior portraits... and they're the happiest I've been with my pictures in a LONG time. She's so beautiful to begin with, it was really hard to take a bad picture of her... I could chose between all of them but, I chose the best ones by far! She is really happy with them and it just makes me feel so amazing! =]. We had SO much fun on the shoot (well atleast i did =] ) ... it was full of laughs and corny pick up lines!!! ( If you know me well, you can just imagine what I said! ) So it was a really wonderful start to this high I can't seem to come off from...
Today marked the 10 pound mark on my weight loss adventure. I'm so excited. I've never been able to stick with a diet, but this one is so easy and I love it. Another thing that made me super excited is.... I applied for a job at JC Penny Studios... and I went into the studio today when I was at the mall and asked if they had received my application because I REALLY wanna work there... The guy asked me why I wanted to work there, and I told him because I just graduated from Photography school and I really want a career in photography while I'm trying to start my own business... he automatically knew my name.... It was kind of creepy lol. But he was SO sweet. He REALLY wanted to hire me but, they're not getting enough bookings right now at the studio so there's no way I would get any hours at this moment. BUT!!!!! He does want me to go see him at the end of next month so he can hire me for the Christmas season... SO EXCITING!! He kept telling me that he was definitely interested and to definitely come back at the end of next month... I'm so excited... he would be a wonderful Manger to have and I feel like I'd have a ton of fun working there!
Another thing is, Garrett FINALLY charged his phone after having it off for almost a week and I got to hear his lovely voice today. He sounded so happy which made me all giddy inside. I love that boy... I miss him a tremendous amount but, I think we're going to make it through!
SO!! Life is looking pretty great right now. I haven't been this happy for a LONG time. AND! I get to go to my counselor on Monday... I haven't seen her since before I went to school last year... It's much needed and will keep me on track to being happy... Sometimes I get really proud of myself for admitting that I have depression and knowing that I need the help to be happy.... Counseling really helps me deal with the problems I Have inside and keeps me going strong, so I'm excited to get that started up again...
I hope things are going great for everyone else in my life!! Cause life is TOO short to be miserable.. I love living life... My eyes are finally open and I'm seeing how beautiful it is!
Now back I go to listening to my Techno music and looking at my Good Photography!
<3 Sweet Dreams everyone!!!
-Kayla
SO here is the latest news! The other day I did Harlee's senior portraits... and they're the happiest I've been with my pictures in a LONG time. She's so beautiful to begin with, it was really hard to take a bad picture of her... I could chose between all of them but, I chose the best ones by far! She is really happy with them and it just makes me feel so amazing! =]. We had SO much fun on the shoot (well atleast i did =] ) ... it was full of laughs and corny pick up lines!!! ( If you know me well, you can just imagine what I said! ) So it was a really wonderful start to this high I can't seem to come off from...
Today marked the 10 pound mark on my weight loss adventure. I'm so excited. I've never been able to stick with a diet, but this one is so easy and I love it. Another thing that made me super excited is.... I applied for a job at JC Penny Studios... and I went into the studio today when I was at the mall and asked if they had received my application because I REALLY wanna work there... The guy asked me why I wanted to work there, and I told him because I just graduated from Photography school and I really want a career in photography while I'm trying to start my own business... he automatically knew my name.... It was kind of creepy lol. But he was SO sweet. He REALLY wanted to hire me but, they're not getting enough bookings right now at the studio so there's no way I would get any hours at this moment. BUT!!!!! He does want me to go see him at the end of next month so he can hire me for the Christmas season... SO EXCITING!! He kept telling me that he was definitely interested and to definitely come back at the end of next month... I'm so excited... he would be a wonderful Manger to have and I feel like I'd have a ton of fun working there!
Another thing is, Garrett FINALLY charged his phone after having it off for almost a week and I got to hear his lovely voice today. He sounded so happy which made me all giddy inside. I love that boy... I miss him a tremendous amount but, I think we're going to make it through!
SO!! Life is looking pretty great right now. I haven't been this happy for a LONG time. AND! I get to go to my counselor on Monday... I haven't seen her since before I went to school last year... It's much needed and will keep me on track to being happy... Sometimes I get really proud of myself for admitting that I have depression and knowing that I need the help to be happy.... Counseling really helps me deal with the problems I Have inside and keeps me going strong, so I'm excited to get that started up again...
I hope things are going great for everyone else in my life!! Cause life is TOO short to be miserable.. I love living life... My eyes are finally open and I'm seeing how beautiful it is!
Now back I go to listening to my Techno music and looking at my Good Photography!
<3 Sweet Dreams everyone!!!
-Kayla
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Job Searching.
Hey All! I know that I said I was gunna post pictures of myself almost everyday, and I will soon do that but I'm just getting settled back into my house... unpacking, starting a new diet, trying to spend time with friends before I have to go to work everyday. So I promise I'll get some pictures up soon!!
So... I've started the 17 day diet with my Mom. I'm really really excited about it. I have never been the type of person who can start a diet and stick with it... but I'm feeling really confident with this one. Today will be the third day that I've been on it, and I'm feeling much better already! You can still eat really yummy foods just at a better proportion.. I love it. I'm very thankful to have my Mom and Step-Dad pushing me and helping me along this journey. Not only do I want to be smaller, but I really want to just be healthy. I can feel my health failing and I'm only 20 years old. So I'm really excited to start feeling healthier!
I'm also looking for jobs. I don't want to go back to nursing because it's mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting. If it comes down to it, I will definitely do so, but I would really like to get a job that has to do with photography. So! That being said... if you know anyone or if you yourself need a portrait done such as, families, seniors, children, newborn, maternity, etc... even animal portraits, please pass it on that I am a new certified photographer looking for any opportunity to take pictures! Or just point me in their direction! Also. If you or anyone you know need a babysitter, like a full time babysitter, I would LOVE to do that as a job too. So please, point them in my direction or point me in theirs, please!
I am getting ready to go to the beach with my best friend, Aimee so I must close this blog up! But please keep me in mind! I'm in desperate need of a job!! Thank you!
-Kayla
So... I've started the 17 day diet with my Mom. I'm really really excited about it. I have never been the type of person who can start a diet and stick with it... but I'm feeling really confident with this one. Today will be the third day that I've been on it, and I'm feeling much better already! You can still eat really yummy foods just at a better proportion.. I love it. I'm very thankful to have my Mom and Step-Dad pushing me and helping me along this journey. Not only do I want to be smaller, but I really want to just be healthy. I can feel my health failing and I'm only 20 years old. So I'm really excited to start feeling healthier!
I'm also looking for jobs. I don't want to go back to nursing because it's mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting. If it comes down to it, I will definitely do so, but I would really like to get a job that has to do with photography. So! That being said... if you know anyone or if you yourself need a portrait done such as, families, seniors, children, newborn, maternity, etc... even animal portraits, please pass it on that I am a new certified photographer looking for any opportunity to take pictures! Or just point me in their direction! Also. If you or anyone you know need a babysitter, like a full time babysitter, I would LOVE to do that as a job too. So please, point them in my direction or point me in theirs, please!
I am getting ready to go to the beach with my best friend, Aimee so I must close this blog up! But please keep me in mind! I'm in desperate need of a job!! Thank you!
-Kayla
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
The Fat Ass I feel Like.
Lately, all I can see when I look in mirror is an 800 pound looking woman. Although I'm not 800 pounds or anywhere near that, that is all I see when I look at myself. And it is also how I feel when I'm walking from my house to my car, when I'm laying don on the couch watching TV, as I'm typing this blog post. I feel like a disgrace to the planet, like I shouldn't even be allowed to live here. God has given me such a wonderful gift by having a life here on Earth, and I'm not living it very well. I have an eating disorder. I am addicted to food. I purge. When I wake up in the morning, I wonder what I'm going to be eating for supper. It's sick. It is a constant struggle and everyday that I make it through, I feel I have survived. Many people think "well she's just a fatty , she could stop eating so much food if she wanted to" and it's just not true. I honestly cannot help myself when I am purging. It's like a drug. The more I eat, the more I want. It's an addiction and it's a horrible one. I am not happy with myself or the life I am leading right now. I am going to be dead before I'm 45 if I keep going the way I am and I don't want that.
So with all this being said... I am basically begging for all the support I can get. I need to be pushed to get out of this slump that I'm in. I need to get off my ass ( scuse my language ) and start working out, start eating right. And I know I can do this because I did it last summer and lost a lot of inches. Right now, I'm feeling really weak, with no motivation at all. Not like I did last summer. When I get home from Mass ( which I'll be back June 30th ) I'm going to start the 17 day diet with my Mom and Step Dad and I'll have a treadmill at my disposal along with some yoga and pilates.
So.. with inspiration from my friend, Kalea, I'm going to start taking pictures of myself to get a better self appreciation for myself. It'll also show the journey I go through when I start dieting when I get home. Not only will this be a self appreciation project, but it'll be a way for you guys to get to know me a bit more. I'll be taking pictures of habits I may have whether that be good or bad, and just different ways to express how I'm feeling that day.. It may be a daily thing or it may be a weekly thing, either way, you'll be getting pictures. I need to start believing in myself... and I'm going to start changing my life NOW!
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Exhaustion.
I am so tired after this week. Although I cannot explain what I am going through, I can tell you that I have been through probably the hardest thing in my life, but I have learned a lot about myself, and I a a very strong individual. I have a very strong Mom and brother who I am just so amazingly proud of. I am so blessed to have them two in my lie.
I am home this week and yesterday we went to see my Dads side of the family in Hermon. It was so good to see them. I didn't think to take my camera out until it was time to leave so here are the pictures I like the most!!!!
I am home this week and yesterday we went to see my Dads side of the family in Hermon. It was so good to see them. I didn't think to take my camera out until it was time to leave so here are the pictures I like the most!!!!
 |
| Aunt Debbi and I <3 |
 |
| Aunt Debbie, Me, Mumma |
 |
| Aunt Debbie, Me, Aunt Darlene, Mom |
 |
| Grandpa <3 |
 |
| My baby boy too of course!!! |
Sunday, June 5, 2011
The last couple of days.
Ugh.. These last couple of days have been so emotionally exhausting. As most of you know, Garrett broke up with me the other day. Ugh. It was horrible. I couldn't stop crying and my heart felt like it had been ripped out from my chest. But instead of laying in bed and crying all day, I pulled myself together and went shopping with my best friend, Ashleigh. Thank God for her. She took great care of me =].
Yesterday, Garrett and I went out for lunch and talked. We've decided to work things out. Right now we're just two really confused individual. So while we're still confused about our relationship, we're still going to work things out. And for that, I am very very thankful. I really do love this man. I hope that we can fight through whatever test we're being put through.
I have had an amazing amount of support from my friends and family. I am honestly one of the most blessed individuals on this earth. I couldn't have made it thru the day of the break up without them. They honestly helped me from going insane!! Special thanks to my Mom, Ashleigh, Aimee and Felicia for keeping me sane for the first few hours of the break up. I honestly don't know what I'd do without you guys.
I am home here in Maine for the week. It's going to be a long, but good week. I'm very excited to be home with my family and my baby boy, Ace =]. I love my puppy! We cuddled for a while this morning. It's really weird ( in a good way ) how comforting a pet is. You can tell them your problems and it's like they know how to cheer you up! I love my puppy =]
I don't really have much else to say. Just thought I would bring you all up to date! I hope you have a great day!
-Kayla
Yesterday, Garrett and I went out for lunch and talked. We've decided to work things out. Right now we're just two really confused individual. So while we're still confused about our relationship, we're still going to work things out. And for that, I am very very thankful. I really do love this man. I hope that we can fight through whatever test we're being put through.
I have had an amazing amount of support from my friends and family. I am honestly one of the most blessed individuals on this earth. I couldn't have made it thru the day of the break up without them. They honestly helped me from going insane!! Special thanks to my Mom, Ashleigh, Aimee and Felicia for keeping me sane for the first few hours of the break up. I honestly don't know what I'd do without you guys.
I am home here in Maine for the week. It's going to be a long, but good week. I'm very excited to be home with my family and my baby boy, Ace =]. I love my puppy! We cuddled for a while this morning. It's really weird ( in a good way ) how comforting a pet is. You can tell them your problems and it's like they know how to cheer you up! I love my puppy =]
I don't really have much else to say. Just thought I would bring you all up to date! I hope you have a great day!
-Kayla
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Meditation
I have decided to start meditating every morning. It is such a peaceful thing. Lately I have just been so stressed with school and just everything in my life that I needed to take a step back and really think about the great things in my life... on pandora radio (pandora.com) I typed in, "Relaxation" , and clicked on the first relaxation station I saw and meditated to it. It is SO soothing. When you think of everything in a new positive way, its just so wonderful. You find a way to make things that usually annoy you, turn into something positive, to learn how to get a new perspective on it. And how even though it may still really annoy you, you can find a positive way to deal with it.
Lately, I have been really annoyed with my friends and family due to the stress I've been feeling... the ones who love me the most and are right there beside me... and I've been pushing them away. I really needed to take a step back and just think of all the joy they bring into my life. I'm such a lucky girl to be surrounded by so much love from both my family AND friends. I feel so blessed. God has treated me so well for 20 years, and I know that He will continue to treat me well for as long as I shall live.
I just wanted to share with the world that I'm really excited about meditating. Everyone kind of laughs at it because they think it's about a bunch of idiots who sit around and try to find their "inner chi" or their "zen." But honestly... it's a way to relieve a lot of stress in your life and to become a better person..I think everyone should try this!! I'm glad I did.
I hope you all have a great day today!!
-Kayla
Lately, I have been really annoyed with my friends and family due to the stress I've been feeling... the ones who love me the most and are right there beside me... and I've been pushing them away. I really needed to take a step back and just think of all the joy they bring into my life. I'm such a lucky girl to be surrounded by so much love from both my family AND friends. I feel so blessed. God has treated me so well for 20 years, and I know that He will continue to treat me well for as long as I shall live.
I just wanted to share with the world that I'm really excited about meditating. Everyone kind of laughs at it because they think it's about a bunch of idiots who sit around and try to find their "inner chi" or their "zen." But honestly... it's a way to relieve a lot of stress in your life and to become a better person..I think everyone should try this!! I'm glad I did.
I hope you all have a great day today!!
-Kayla
Sunday, May 29, 2011
A big wake up call.
Hey all.. So this weekend, I went home to do some last minute photo shoots for my final portfolio at school. It was a lot of fun, my two friends Ashleigh and Sabrina came with me and we had fun. On my last night there, my friend Ashleigh and I decided to watch the biggest loser on hulu.com. And it was just a really big eye opener for me..
I love the show. I love watching the people come in as big as they are and making really great progress and getting really wonderful results by the end of the show. But as I was watching the show, I realized that I am one of them. I may not be 623 pounds... but I feel like I am. The same struggles they have with themselves, are the same struggles I have with myself, and they are not good struggles to have. But if there is one thing that I have gotten out of the show... it is these two things...
1. I have done this to myself. I have let myself get this big and I can blame no one else for it.
2. I have the courage and the ability to do something about it, so why haven't I done it yet?
And thats when I set some goals for myself this summer. I really want to lose up to 70 pounds. I know that this is probably an unrealistic goal for the few months of summer, but I would like to at least lose 25-30 pounds this summer. If more comes off, then that's great. Not only do I want to look good for myself, but I really want to be as healthy as I can be. I am 20 years old and I am 240 pounds. I will admit, I'm a bit ashamed of that and I always care what people will think when I say I weight that much but right now, I need to do this for me. I need to accept that I have let myself get this way and that I am ready to lose as much as I can to be back at a healthy weight for myself. I want to be able to have children and be healthy for them, I want to be able to run around while I'm doing photography without getting out of breath... I honestly just want to live and be happy while I'm doing it. I want to feel alive.
I have decided to do the 17 day diet that my Mom and Step-Dad are currently doing right now. I am going to start after my graduation on June 24 and I am NOT going to give up this time. I am going to work my butt off like the people on The Biggest Loser does. I may not have the gym equipment like they do, but I have a treadmill and I have swimming and I can create my own workout routine. I just want to be healthy and to be honest with you, I can't wait to start this change in my life <3
I'll do a brief update on how happy I am with other aspects of my life and the struggles I'm having too lol. I feel really lucky to have the boyfriend that I have.. He's just an amazing guy... I am one of the very few lucky women in this world to have such an amazing man in my life <3 I feel so blessed. God has treated me so well. I am very stressed out with my Final phase coming to a close but, I'm just going to put all of my faith in the hard work I've been doing and just pray that I do great on my final. I'm so proud of myself and how much I've progressed with my photography. Before I came to school, I was talking to my grampie and I said, but Grampie, what if I fail.. and he said..." Well... if you fail, at least we will know it's not because you didn't try." I have tried my hardest at this school, and though I have some confidence that I will do fine, if I don't, I will know that I tried as hard as I could.
Onto the last part of my blog.. this part is very personal to me and I wish to share this with my friends and family,
I love the show. I love watching the people come in as big as they are and making really great progress and getting really wonderful results by the end of the show. But as I was watching the show, I realized that I am one of them. I may not be 623 pounds... but I feel like I am. The same struggles they have with themselves, are the same struggles I have with myself, and they are not good struggles to have. But if there is one thing that I have gotten out of the show... it is these two things...
1. I have done this to myself. I have let myself get this big and I can blame no one else for it.
2. I have the courage and the ability to do something about it, so why haven't I done it yet?
And thats when I set some goals for myself this summer. I really want to lose up to 70 pounds. I know that this is probably an unrealistic goal for the few months of summer, but I would like to at least lose 25-30 pounds this summer. If more comes off, then that's great. Not only do I want to look good for myself, but I really want to be as healthy as I can be. I am 20 years old and I am 240 pounds. I will admit, I'm a bit ashamed of that and I always care what people will think when I say I weight that much but right now, I need to do this for me. I need to accept that I have let myself get this way and that I am ready to lose as much as I can to be back at a healthy weight for myself. I want to be able to have children and be healthy for them, I want to be able to run around while I'm doing photography without getting out of breath... I honestly just want to live and be happy while I'm doing it. I want to feel alive.
I have decided to do the 17 day diet that my Mom and Step-Dad are currently doing right now. I am going to start after my graduation on June 24 and I am NOT going to give up this time. I am going to work my butt off like the people on The Biggest Loser does. I may not have the gym equipment like they do, but I have a treadmill and I have swimming and I can create my own workout routine. I just want to be healthy and to be honest with you, I can't wait to start this change in my life <3
I'll do a brief update on how happy I am with other aspects of my life and the struggles I'm having too lol. I feel really lucky to have the boyfriend that I have.. He's just an amazing guy... I am one of the very few lucky women in this world to have such an amazing man in my life <3 I feel so blessed. God has treated me so well. I am very stressed out with my Final phase coming to a close but, I'm just going to put all of my faith in the hard work I've been doing and just pray that I do great on my final. I'm so proud of myself and how much I've progressed with my photography. Before I came to school, I was talking to my grampie and I said, but Grampie, what if I fail.. and he said..." Well... if you fail, at least we will know it's not because you didn't try." I have tried my hardest at this school, and though I have some confidence that I will do fine, if I don't, I will know that I tried as hard as I could.
Onto the last part of my blog.. this part is very personal to me and I wish to share this with my friends and family,
This girl has become one of my very good good friends. We have been writing letters back and forth to each other and just included each other in our lives. And she has been such an inspiration to me. Like myself, Kalea has a lot of self issues with her body and shares the same feeling about hers as I do mine. But I think she is absolutely beautiful. Kalea has started to take pictures of herself to try and accept her beauty and I just admire her so much for this. I just think she is so beautiful and I wish that I could take a photograph such as the ones that I have shown you of her above. I'm too scared to even take a picture with a shirt on let alone one shirtless. This girl has honestly been such an inspiration to me... I really look up to her and hope to be half the person that she is one day. Thank you for being in my life Kalea <3 Love you girl <3
And that is all she wrote!! Have a good night all!!
-Kayla
Friday, May 20, 2011
It's been a while
Hey All!!! It's been a bit since I've written a blog post. I've been SUPER busy! Phase four is just around the corner and we're all stressing to get stuff done in time! But I'll Update you a bit on my life!
I would first like to start off by talking about this man right here. I am just honestly SO BLESSED to have him as my boyfriend. He is just so wonderful. I have never felt this kind of love before and I am so thankful to have it with Garrett. It is truly something special what we share. He is always there for me through the ups and downs and it's really nice to have someone to lean on. I have such problems accepting myself and loving me, but Garrett has already accepted me and loved me the way I am. He tells me I'm beautiful everyday and tells me I'm fine just the way I am.. that he wouldn't want me any other way. There's not a day that has gone by that we haven't said I love you to each other. We have laughed and we have cried together... shared fears and hopes and dreams together. I honestly don't know what's going to happen after school is done... I know that I will fight to keep us together if we have to be apart. And if things were to not work out, I can honestly say I've been loved a tremendous amount and that will always be enough for me. I love Garrett so much. I'm so thankful he is in my life.
I would like to talk about these two next. My friends Sabrina and Abi and Ashleigh as well ( we don't have a picture yet! ). They honestly are the best friends in the world. I have been in a depressed mood lately and these girls have brought me right out of it. I honestly could not ask for better friends than these three girls. They make me laugh and are always there to listen to me. I have not stopped laughing for the past couple of weeks with these three. I'm so lucky to have friends who love me so much and to love friends so amazing back. I really don't want to leave them next month.. I will definitely be making trips to see these girls <3 I love them sooo sooo much!
And last but not least... most important person in my life needs to be mentioned. I honestly... have the most incredibly amazing woman for a mother. I honestly have tears in my eyes just writing this. I called her last night and we talked for a while. And it just made me realize how blessed I am to have such a wonderful woman for my mom. You see, since I've moved to Massachusetts.. I feel like I haven't communicated that much with people from home. One of those reasons is because, I don't want to get too home sick... but I think the other reason is because I feel like I shouldn't need to depend on my parents when I'm living on my own. But last night, I just realized that I still really need my mom. I keep a lot locked up inside because I don't want to burden people with the stuff that keeps me depressed. But with Mom, she's always there to listen and to try and help me. She ALWAYS has a solution that helps me. She is the strongest woman I know. When we lost my Dad, she was right there to be the rock that my brother and I needed. And to this day, she is always there to continue to be that rock. Not just when it comes to my Dad, but with anything... with money problems we may be having, with friend troubles, relationship issues, or just being homesick. She is always there to help pick us back up. The bond between a mother and a child is absolutely amazing... I can only hope that other children in the world have a bond with their mother as I do. I also hope that I can be half the mother that my mom is to me when I have children. I hope I can give my children the life that my Mom ( and dad ) has for me. There is nothing about my childhood that I didn't like. I had the perfect childhood. I have been surrounded by love since the day I was born. My parents always made sure we did things as a family, was always taking us on fun vacations, always made sure we had food on the table, clothes on our backs, a roof over our heads and toys to play with =D. I couldn't have asked for a better family than the one I was born into. I just hope that my Mom knows how thankful I am for everything that she has done for me for all of my life and how blessed I truly am ( and tj too ) to have such a wonderful mother. I love her more than any words could ever say.
That is all <3
That is all <3
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Update with the Kayla.
Well where should I start? A lot has been going on in life and personally with myself. Mostly personal stuff though.
At school right now, we are all rushing to get our phase four final done. We have to have 27 images in like... 4 weeks. And I'm starting to panic. A lot of my models have been quitting on me and so it's been really hard for me to get images of people. So I've honestly been really stressing over it... but I will make it through like I always do.
As for personal stuff... blah. I just have some major self issues. I hate the way I look. And I know it's easy for people to say, "well Kayla just stop complaining and do something about it." But I really honestly don't think people understand, food is honestly like an addiction. I cannot help myself when I'm around it. It's like an alcoholic needing their alcohol... a heroin addict needing their heroin, a cocaine addict needing their cocaine. It's the same exact thing. I need food when I crave it. I can also tell myself that I'm going to exercise, but actually doing it is a huge struggle for me. It takes every bit of strength I have in my body to exercise. Just walking from point A to B is a struggle for me. I really am trying to work on things. Each day gets bit better but... it's a big struggle for me. I am going to get help when I get out of school. When I come back home from school, I will be getting back in touch with my counselor and working this out.
Garrett and I had a rough patch for a while but we are much better now. We spent a weekend away from each other and it was really good for us. We are much closer now and are back to laughing and joking and loving each other like we usually do! I just love him. I'm really worried about after school, if we're going to make it or not. But if it's true love, we'll make it through.
I'm home right now for Easter. I enjoy being home so much, I just want to be home now... I think I'm ready to be done school. I really really love the place that I'm at now... I love that house.. and I really wish that I could buy it when I'm done school but... there's no way I'm going to be able to do that. I'm also really stressed about the student loan I'm going to have to pay back for basically the rest of my life after school. Like... I don't want to live the rest of my life at home and I'm really worried that I'm going to have to. I try to block it from my mind because, I get so down about it. I hope I can just be a really great successful person. At the moment, I'm feeling really down about my work. I keep offering free sessions and pictures but, nobody is making a photo session with me. Which is making me really sad and upset. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough. But I know I'll get some stuff soon.
I'm going to post a few images .. they'll be random so I'll put captions underneath them. Have a good night everyone <3
 |
| Garrett and I did a photoshoot =] |
 |
| Bruno Sleepin! |
 |
| My baby boy Ace! |
 |
| Mumma's puppy , Miss Cinnamon |
 |
| Step-Daddy's doggy , Bruno |
 |
| It was a happy Easter! |
 |
| bahahahaha... |
 |
| Took this a couple weeks ago! |
 |
| Miss Cinnamon on her back! |
 |
| My Handsome Boy<3 |
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Lets get these negative thoughts out...
The last couple of days haven't been the greatest for me. I've been a bit sick... small fever, stomach cramps ( which you know what comes along with that )... and a slight bit of depression. I think it may be the weather. For the last couple of days, it's been raining... there hasn't been sun and I just feel like crap. I'm not going to go all out on the sad things that are bothering me. If you read the blog post that is below this one, I think you'll get a wonderful grasp on what the problem with me is. Not to mention, I am very very home sick. I miss my mom a tremendous amount and really need some quality mother.daughter time..
Aside from that.. my problem of the day is this: I am afraid of failing. We all know that photography is a very hard job to get into. It's not easy. It's competitive. And I honestly am afraid of not making it in the photography business. I know that I am a wonderful photographer and I know that many people want me to take their images... but how long is this fairytale going to last? How long are people going to want me to take their pictures for? I am so amazingly passionate about this line of work that I have chosen to follow. I enjoy seeing the smiles on families faces when trying to get an image that shows the love within that family. I enjoy watching new babies sleep while I capture that precious moment for that babies parents. I enjoy the chaos that comes when photographing a group of children that are of the ages 8 and under and all the laughs and smiles and cries and fits that go with it. I enjoy the tremendous amount of love that is shared on someones wedding day. I am just so in love with this job. But quite honestly, I'm afraid of failing. I want to be able to make a living out of this. To have a nice, sizable house with nice things in it. I know that materialistic things aren't important, but is it really so bad to want to have those things? I want to be able to invite future clients over to have cocktails or martini's with me, to have girls night where we scrapbook or ... play games and talk about the newest TV series that just came on. Am I going to be able to have the kind of husband that my Dad was to my mom and have wonderful kids to watch play in the back yard? Kids that are yelling " Mommy " and jumping on my bed to wake me up in the mornings. Kids where, I can kiss their boo boo's and everything will be okay and need cuddling when the big scary monster is after them. Will this all come? Will I be able to have a life like this? Will I be able to cook supper every night and have it on the table for my husband when he comes home and have him help me with dishes and kiss me to show his appreciation for the meal that I just made?
Blah. I know this all comes in time but... I just want it so bad that it seems it'll never happen. I really enjoy the life I have now and everyone and everything that is in it. But I also worry about not being able to make a future. Because it would devastate me if I never had these opportunities that I just listed.
And speaking of supper.. I must now go cook for my wonderful boyfriend and I.
-Kayla
Aside from that.. my problem of the day is this: I am afraid of failing. We all know that photography is a very hard job to get into. It's not easy. It's competitive. And I honestly am afraid of not making it in the photography business. I know that I am a wonderful photographer and I know that many people want me to take their images... but how long is this fairytale going to last? How long are people going to want me to take their pictures for? I am so amazingly passionate about this line of work that I have chosen to follow. I enjoy seeing the smiles on families faces when trying to get an image that shows the love within that family. I enjoy watching new babies sleep while I capture that precious moment for that babies parents. I enjoy the chaos that comes when photographing a group of children that are of the ages 8 and under and all the laughs and smiles and cries and fits that go with it. I enjoy the tremendous amount of love that is shared on someones wedding day. I am just so in love with this job. But quite honestly, I'm afraid of failing. I want to be able to make a living out of this. To have a nice, sizable house with nice things in it. I know that materialistic things aren't important, but is it really so bad to want to have those things? I want to be able to invite future clients over to have cocktails or martini's with me, to have girls night where we scrapbook or ... play games and talk about the newest TV series that just came on. Am I going to be able to have the kind of husband that my Dad was to my mom and have wonderful kids to watch play in the back yard? Kids that are yelling " Mommy " and jumping on my bed to wake me up in the mornings. Kids where, I can kiss their boo boo's and everything will be okay and need cuddling when the big scary monster is after them. Will this all come? Will I be able to have a life like this? Will I be able to cook supper every night and have it on the table for my husband when he comes home and have him help me with dishes and kiss me to show his appreciation for the meal that I just made?
Blah. I know this all comes in time but... I just want it so bad that it seems it'll never happen. I really enjoy the life I have now and everyone and everything that is in it. But I also worry about not being able to make a future. Because it would devastate me if I never had these opportunities that I just listed.
And speaking of supper.. I must now go cook for my wonderful boyfriend and I.
-Kayla
Monday, April 4, 2011
Dear Dad..
-Kayla
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Sunday Afternoon
 | ||
| taken with garretts laptop webcam =] |
On a happier note.. Once I got out of bed.. I had lunch .. a chicken sammich with just a few chips. Then I did my work out routine and some yoga <3 I feel so much better.. So much healthier and this is only day three of doing this. It's wonderful to feel that way. I was going to go out and buy some props for photography but, my car won't start. I think it's cause my battery is dead since I haven't really used my own car a lot this winter. I'm really hoping that's all it is. So I have to wait for Garrett to get home the open house that he attended this weekend to see if he can help me fix it. I'll probably just end up taking his car to go shopping just to be on the safe side.
I hope you all have a good rest of your day. Much love to you all <3
-Kayla
[kaylagphotography.com] - website
[kaylagwenphotography.wordpress.com] -Photography Blog
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Feeling Great.
Hey guys!!! So my diet is going pretty awesome right now! I did decide not to do a detox. It makes me really sick and un happy so , I'm dieting my own way =]. I have three meals a day at a really great proportion and I feel wonderful. Ive been exercising in the morning and a bit at night and I just feel healthier already!
I just wanted to post this supper I made tonight! It was really super delicious and it's really simple to make!!
I had marinated chicken with asparagus and mashed potatoes!
Chicken:
I used a Hawaiian flavored marinade for the chicken tonight. You just mix it up in a large zip lock baggie and put chicken in.. I put three pieces of boneless chicken breast in there tonight and marinaded it for two hours. It's better if you let it sit for a day though.
Asparagus:
Break the asparagus where it's tender and put them in a bowl. Once you've done that, drizzle a bit of olive oil (vegetable oil works too) over them and I add pepper and garlic salt to them. Put them on a cooking sheet then in the oven until they start to brown.
Potato:
Well... You all know how to make mashed potatoes but... I like to add in my own seasoning. I mix it up with butter and milk then put in garlic salt, pepper and regular salt to add flavor to it!!
Really really simple and it tastes SOOO good!! Here's a picture of it!
I just wanted to post this supper I made tonight! It was really super delicious and it's really simple to make!!
I had marinated chicken with asparagus and mashed potatoes!
Chicken:
I used a Hawaiian flavored marinade for the chicken tonight. You just mix it up in a large zip lock baggie and put chicken in.. I put three pieces of boneless chicken breast in there tonight and marinaded it for two hours. It's better if you let it sit for a day though.
Asparagus:
Break the asparagus where it's tender and put them in a bowl. Once you've done that, drizzle a bit of olive oil (vegetable oil works too) over them and I add pepper and garlic salt to them. Put them on a cooking sheet then in the oven until they start to brown.
Potato:
Well... You all know how to make mashed potatoes but... I like to add in my own seasoning. I mix it up with butter and milk then put in garlic salt, pepper and regular salt to add flavor to it!!
Really really simple and it tastes SOOO good!! Here's a picture of it!
 |
| Its a cell phone picture so not great quality but, you get the point! Garrett and I had a really fun Saturday. We were basically lazy all day, but it was wonderful. I woke up at 9:30ish and the first thing I did was exercise. So that started a REALLY wonderful day. It was really nice and sunny here in Massachusetts ! We did some errands like ... drop off my old broken cell phone at fed ex so that i'm not charged $500... got some stamps.. sent out some moola to my brother (and a nice note!) ... We came back here and I looked up some diet and exercise plans that would work for me. I went to the slimquick site and figured out a plan for myself and I'm really excited to start it! I'm going to start being really strict about it next month because, I've already spent a lot of money on food for the month but I'm going to try and do the diet as best as I can with what I have for food now. I am going to start the exercise plan tomorrow though. I'm really excited for this! I cooked a great supper ( which is above! ) and now we are just relaxing on this wonderful Saturday night!!!    So I need some models for my phase four portfolio. I've had a lot of models ditch on me because of something that comes up.. I'm getting a bit stressed out about it and really need to get some images. So if you know anyone or if you yourself would like to come and model for me, please go to my website : kaylagphotography.com and click the Contact Kayla button and book a photo shoot with me. Thank you all so much! <3 Have a good night! <3 -Kayla |
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)