Degrade: to lower in character or
quality; debase....to reduce in amount,
strength, intensity, etc. ...
Growing up... I can honestly say that I've had the best friends in the entire world. I've been such a blessed person in that area. Never have any of the people I hung around asked me to change any part of my character... my personality... who I am. They never even mentioned anything negative about me, because I am just a respected person because I give respect. Though I can be a negative person at times, I have a very uplifting, bubbly personality. I can make people laugh.. hell... I make myself laugh sometimes. I have been told when I have done something to upset someone and how it needs to be solved... I've been told when I've made mistakes... but never have I been told to change how I am.
Recently I've been put in a position where I'm constantly being degraded. I have been told to tone down my personality. I have been told that people can't handle my intensity. The way I express myself. And I have a very strong reaction to it.
At first... I was like... well this makes me feel... and you're making me feel like this. It has nothing to do with MY feelings. It has absolutely nothing to do with anything that I have done wrong. Because Hello people, news flash. Being yourself isn't wrong. It's not unacceptable. And how fucking dare you have the audacity to open your mouth and tell me that I need to tone down who I am or change my personality. Seriously. How dare you? You DO NOT have the right do tell a person that. Take a look around. It's not the person's fault for acting the way they do, or having the personality they have, it's you who has the problem of not being able to accept who they are. It's you who cannot handle that everyone loves who I am. It's you who resents the fact that I can be friends with just about everyone I meet. I cannot stand my words being turned around and manipulated into what the other person is feeling. And telling ME how a situation is when in fact, it's not a situation involving me at all.. it's a situation involving the other person and the other person only.
You are not allowed to tell me how to be. You are not allowed to degrade me. It is not okay for you to place the blame on anyone but yourself. It's not okay to say the problem lies within me.
It is okay to admit that the problem lies within you.
Do not patronize me. Do not degrade me. Do not be little me. Do not devalue me.
You do not get to do that. Ever.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Friday, June 8, 2012
Jealousy: mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry,unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.
It's astonishing to me what jealousy can do to an individual. What I find even more astonishing, is how one can be jealous of an individual who is completely themselves, and comfortable with it. A lot of people strive to make people jealous of them. But why would you even want that? People become very vicious when they're jealous. There's a lot of petty jealousy... such as being jealous over someone's clothes or that someone is going on vacation... but when you're jealous over someone who is emotionally stable... someone who know's what they want.... someone who is successful in life... that's a vicious jealousy. People become very emotionally abusive, very degrading. When one craves what another individual has, but has come to terms that they will never have it, their life becomes bout taking everything that's so uniquely special about them, and making it something that's completely worthless. But only if you let them.
It's hard not to defend yourself when someone has bashed everything good about you. When they have told you that how you are and how you feel is not correct, that it doesn't matter, that your way of thinking or feeling is completely useless, you automatically want to lash out, defend yourself, tell them that everything they're saying is wrong, that you are a good person and the way you are is outstanding. This is where we must stop. We must stop defending ourselves. Because that's what these predators want. They want that argument. They want you to throw out words of defense, but only so they can take those words and degrade you even more. And you ask yourself... "Does this really make them feel better about themselves? Taking away my pride? Taking away my dignity?" and the answer is.. Yes.. It does. Temporarily. The reason people get jealous, is from insecurities about themselves. They envy you. They want to be like you. But there is only one you. And you are so fucking beautiful.
Ignore the jealousy. Don't fall into the chase. Don't fall into the traps that jealous people set up for you. Don't let their words ruin you.
Just be you. No one else matters.
It's astonishing to me what jealousy can do to an individual. What I find even more astonishing, is how one can be jealous of an individual who is completely themselves, and comfortable with it. A lot of people strive to make people jealous of them. But why would you even want that? People become very vicious when they're jealous. There's a lot of petty jealousy... such as being jealous over someone's clothes or that someone is going on vacation... but when you're jealous over someone who is emotionally stable... someone who know's what they want.... someone who is successful in life... that's a vicious jealousy. People become very emotionally abusive, very degrading. When one craves what another individual has, but has come to terms that they will never have it, their life becomes bout taking everything that's so uniquely special about them, and making it something that's completely worthless. But only if you let them.
It's hard not to defend yourself when someone has bashed everything good about you. When they have told you that how you are and how you feel is not correct, that it doesn't matter, that your way of thinking or feeling is completely useless, you automatically want to lash out, defend yourself, tell them that everything they're saying is wrong, that you are a good person and the way you are is outstanding. This is where we must stop. We must stop defending ourselves. Because that's what these predators want. They want that argument. They want you to throw out words of defense, but only so they can take those words and degrade you even more. And you ask yourself... "Does this really make them feel better about themselves? Taking away my pride? Taking away my dignity?" and the answer is.. Yes.. It does. Temporarily. The reason people get jealous, is from insecurities about themselves. They envy you. They want to be like you. But there is only one you. And you are so fucking beautiful.
Ignore the jealousy. Don't fall into the chase. Don't fall into the traps that jealous people set up for you. Don't let their words ruin you.
Just be you. No one else matters.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
New Year
I really sat down and thought about what the New Year meant. I knew that it was changing from 2011 to 2012.... and that we have 364 day's to go until it's 2013... But what does this New Year really mean?
To me, this new year is a clean slate. It's a chance to start fresh. To let go of all the bad year's you had before this one and make this year the best. So I thought of resolutions that could help me to have a good 2012.
1- I'm going to just start living instead of worrying so much. I spend a lot of my time worrying about this and worrying about that.. Worrying that something won't go right or worrying about if something does go right, when it's going to stop being right. I just want to be me. I just want to stop worrying about what people think of me.... who cares? As long as I know who I am, who cares what anyone thinks of me?!!! Stop worrying about when I'm going to find a man who wants to be with me... who might possibly want to marry me some day and just wait for it to happen naturally. I just simply want to live.
2- This is something that I don't want to do but something that I NEED to do. I NEED to start living a healthier lifestyle. Not necessarily going on a strict diet but, cutting down proportions when I eat... and yes eating healthier foods, but not cutting out all the foods that I love either. And not just eating healthier but, exercising as well... incorporating exercise into my life daily or if not daily, then at least 3-4 times a week. I just want to feel better about myself. And not just that, but I don't want to have a heart attack at the age of 21. Not that I'm close to that, but I could be if I keep going the way I'm going. I also don't want to be so over weight that I can't have children. It is a huge fear of mine that because of the way I live and how big I am, that I won't be able to have kids. And that scares me. So a healthier lifestyle I will live.
3- I want to really follow my dreams with photography. If I have an idea, find a model to help me get the idea out. If I want to send my portfolio to a magazine, then take that leap of faith and send it in. Whether anything great comes from it or not, that doesn't matter to me. What matters to me is that I keep trying. That I don't give up. That if I get shot down from a major magazine company or anything that I choose to do, that I take whatever critique they may give me and try to make my work better. And then send it in again. And just keep trying and trying even if each time I keep failing. I want to be able to say that I have never given up on something that I am so passionate about. I also hope that I can really take off with my personal photography. Such as family portraits, senior portraits, weddings, etc. I want to become more aggressive and go after what I really want. I have the skills and knowledge to be really great, and I want to prove to the world that I can be.
4- And last but not least... I want to start a memory jar. It is just a mason jar that you decorate and you cut a hole in the top of the jar.. you write down a good or bad memory that happened to you every single day of the year. And at the end of the year, you can read them... and if not, you can just save them until you want to read them. I'm going to really do this.... I'm going to write down a good memory every single day and put it in my jar. If my friends want to contribute to the memories, that's even better! But I'm going to really follow through with this. I will bring my jar everywhere so I never miss a memory =].
I hope you all have a wonderful and happy new year and that you can accomplish all you want to accomplish in 2012 <3
Love, Kayla
To me, this new year is a clean slate. It's a chance to start fresh. To let go of all the bad year's you had before this one and make this year the best. So I thought of resolutions that could help me to have a good 2012.
1- I'm going to just start living instead of worrying so much. I spend a lot of my time worrying about this and worrying about that.. Worrying that something won't go right or worrying about if something does go right, when it's going to stop being right. I just want to be me. I just want to stop worrying about what people think of me.... who cares? As long as I know who I am, who cares what anyone thinks of me?!!! Stop worrying about when I'm going to find a man who wants to be with me... who might possibly want to marry me some day and just wait for it to happen naturally. I just simply want to live.
2- This is something that I don't want to do but something that I NEED to do. I NEED to start living a healthier lifestyle. Not necessarily going on a strict diet but, cutting down proportions when I eat... and yes eating healthier foods, but not cutting out all the foods that I love either. And not just eating healthier but, exercising as well... incorporating exercise into my life daily or if not daily, then at least 3-4 times a week. I just want to feel better about myself. And not just that, but I don't want to have a heart attack at the age of 21. Not that I'm close to that, but I could be if I keep going the way I'm going. I also don't want to be so over weight that I can't have children. It is a huge fear of mine that because of the way I live and how big I am, that I won't be able to have kids. And that scares me. So a healthier lifestyle I will live.
3- I want to really follow my dreams with photography. If I have an idea, find a model to help me get the idea out. If I want to send my portfolio to a magazine, then take that leap of faith and send it in. Whether anything great comes from it or not, that doesn't matter to me. What matters to me is that I keep trying. That I don't give up. That if I get shot down from a major magazine company or anything that I choose to do, that I take whatever critique they may give me and try to make my work better. And then send it in again. And just keep trying and trying even if each time I keep failing. I want to be able to say that I have never given up on something that I am so passionate about. I also hope that I can really take off with my personal photography. Such as family portraits, senior portraits, weddings, etc. I want to become more aggressive and go after what I really want. I have the skills and knowledge to be really great, and I want to prove to the world that I can be.
4- And last but not least... I want to start a memory jar. It is just a mason jar that you decorate and you cut a hole in the top of the jar.. you write down a good or bad memory that happened to you every single day of the year. And at the end of the year, you can read them... and if not, you can just save them until you want to read them. I'm going to really do this.... I'm going to write down a good memory every single day and put it in my jar. If my friends want to contribute to the memories, that's even better! But I'm going to really follow through with this. I will bring my jar everywhere so I never miss a memory =].
I hope you all have a wonderful and happy new year and that you can accomplish all you want to accomplish in 2012 <3
Saturday, November 12, 2011
The "Love Yourself" Project
Alright everyone! I don't know how to ask certain people to help me with my project without sounding like a biotch. So I'm going to tell you what my plan is for a project and then I hope I'll get some responses =].....
If you go to, http://stophatingyourbody.tumblr.com... you will see people of all shapes and sizes that have an issue with themselves.
What I want to do, is take people of all shapes and sizes who have insecurities, who have things that they're so self conscious about, things that they really don't let other people know, and take pictures of everything they're insecure about. I want to make a book. Whether it gets published, or whether I just pass it out to the people featured in the book, I don't mind. But I REALLY want this project to be successful.
My thought is, to have everyone who wants to participate, write down what they're insecure about. I want really raw emotion. I want things written like you were going to write your deepest feelings about yourself in a journal. After you've done that, You would send it to me thru a message or email. I want to get to know my clients before I take the pictures, I want to know what makes you so insecure and self conscious. Then, we would get together, I would take pictures of everything you're insecure about, to show you that you're so beautiful. Then, I would write what I saw in you. Basically, this would all be put together as a book.
Usually photographers have some kind of motivation to get people to help them. I don't know what I can give you to help me with my project. But my hope is that, you all can learn to love yourselves as much as everyone else in the world does. It'll be sort of like a therapy for your suffering. I hope that I can take this project and maybe have a gallery showing in my town, so everyone else can see how amazingly beautiful you all are.
PLEASE message me for more info. You can message me here on facebook or you can email me at kaylagwenphotography@gmail.com.
Lets start loving ourselves
-Kayla
If you go to, http://stophatingyourbody.tumblr.com... you will see people of all shapes and sizes that have an issue with themselves.
What I want to do, is take people of all shapes and sizes who have insecurities, who have things that they're so self conscious about, things that they really don't let other people know, and take pictures of everything they're insecure about. I want to make a book. Whether it gets published, or whether I just pass it out to the people featured in the book, I don't mind. But I REALLY want this project to be successful.
My thought is, to have everyone who wants to participate, write down what they're insecure about. I want really raw emotion. I want things written like you were going to write your deepest feelings about yourself in a journal. After you've done that, You would send it to me thru a message or email. I want to get to know my clients before I take the pictures, I want to know what makes you so insecure and self conscious. Then, we would get together, I would take pictures of everything you're insecure about, to show you that you're so beautiful. Then, I would write what I saw in you. Basically, this would all be put together as a book.
Usually photographers have some kind of motivation to get people to help them. I don't know what I can give you to help me with my project. But my hope is that, you all can learn to love yourselves as much as everyone else in the world does. It'll be sort of like a therapy for your suffering. I hope that I can take this project and maybe have a gallery showing in my town, so everyone else can see how amazingly beautiful you all are.
PLEASE message me for more info. You can message me here on facebook or you can email me at kaylagwenphotography@gmail.com.
Lets start loving ourselves
-Kayla
Friday, August 26, 2011
Shut Away
Hey guys... Sorry I've been so shut off from the world.. I've been trying to get back on my feet. For a while I honestly forgot I had this blog. Luckily, one of my friends brought it to my attention that she missed my posts. So here I am again posting. And I have absolutely NO clue where to begin.
I have been so busy since I got back home from Massachusetts. First, I was stressing over finding a job so I was constantly job searching. I finally got a job at JC Penny Portrait Studio and I am LOVING it. It is really different from what I learned in school so, I feel like a bit of my education is being dumbed down... so that part I don't like. But I am glad that I have a job and it's taking pictures which I love so much. I'm still doing some stuff on the side but, I haven't really been promoting myself that much so, I haven't been doing as much as I'd like to. I have also started a 365 photo project, which I'll explain later!
A lot of you are probably wondering what's going on with Garrett and I. Though a lot of it I will not share because I want to keep our relationship between us, I will share a bit of what's going on. Right now we have just decided to just stay friends until we have settled down with our lives. We are both in a sort of depression, being away from eachother, living back home with our parents, job hunting, trying to get back on our feet, etc. We both can't really be there for each other the way we should be right now, so we have decided to just keep our relationship a friendship one until we can move forward again. It was tough for a while, but we finally got our crap worked out. =].
Okay so this 365 project. It's one picture a day for 365 days =]. I have always wanted to do one of these projects but, have never really had the time to. I have been searching around on deviantart, piccsy and flickr to get photo inspiration and have come across a lot of 365 projects. I have gotten SO inspired that I decided that, even though my life is crazy right now, I am going to do this too. And I am so excited I have. Though 365 projects vary on what people like to take for images, I have decided to make mine a journey for self love. As a lot of you know, I struggle with my confidence, I have like none... So I am hoping that by the end of this photo journey, I will have learned to love and accept myself and to think that I am an absolutely beautiful person whether I'm a size 2 or a 20.
Which brings me to talk to you all about this!!! I have sent in an application to The Biggest Loser and also to Extreme Makeover:Weight Loss Edition. I know that I have like a FAR shot of actually being on the shows, but I really am hoping that I can be chosen to be on one of them. I really need that kind of push. I also found a resort where you can go to for 12 weeks (it's super expensive tho...) and it's all about working out and getting healthy. I am hoping that I can get sponsored or something like that because it is really expensive but... I feel like for me to really lose the weight I need to lose and to get into the shape that I need to get into, I need to drop everything in my life and concentrate on JUST that... spend my days exercising and learning healthy lifestyles. I'm not sure if anyone else is interested in this type of thing but if you are, here is the link to the website..... http://www.reallifefitnessandhealth.com/
Well ... I guess I am going to end it here. I will continue to update my blog because I actually really miss rambling on about my life haha. Here are a few photos that I've taken recently <3
Much love to you all <3
-Kayla
I have been so busy since I got back home from Massachusetts. First, I was stressing over finding a job so I was constantly job searching. I finally got a job at JC Penny Portrait Studio and I am LOVING it. It is really different from what I learned in school so, I feel like a bit of my education is being dumbed down... so that part I don't like. But I am glad that I have a job and it's taking pictures which I love so much. I'm still doing some stuff on the side but, I haven't really been promoting myself that much so, I haven't been doing as much as I'd like to. I have also started a 365 photo project, which I'll explain later!
A lot of you are probably wondering what's going on with Garrett and I. Though a lot of it I will not share because I want to keep our relationship between us, I will share a bit of what's going on. Right now we have just decided to just stay friends until we have settled down with our lives. We are both in a sort of depression, being away from eachother, living back home with our parents, job hunting, trying to get back on our feet, etc. We both can't really be there for each other the way we should be right now, so we have decided to just keep our relationship a friendship one until we can move forward again. It was tough for a while, but we finally got our crap worked out. =].
Okay so this 365 project. It's one picture a day for 365 days =]. I have always wanted to do one of these projects but, have never really had the time to. I have been searching around on deviantart, piccsy and flickr to get photo inspiration and have come across a lot of 365 projects. I have gotten SO inspired that I decided that, even though my life is crazy right now, I am going to do this too. And I am so excited I have. Though 365 projects vary on what people like to take for images, I have decided to make mine a journey for self love. As a lot of you know, I struggle with my confidence, I have like none... So I am hoping that by the end of this photo journey, I will have learned to love and accept myself and to think that I am an absolutely beautiful person whether I'm a size 2 or a 20.
Which brings me to talk to you all about this!!! I have sent in an application to The Biggest Loser and also to Extreme Makeover:Weight Loss Edition. I know that I have like a FAR shot of actually being on the shows, but I really am hoping that I can be chosen to be on one of them. I really need that kind of push. I also found a resort where you can go to for 12 weeks (it's super expensive tho...) and it's all about working out and getting healthy. I am hoping that I can get sponsored or something like that because it is really expensive but... I feel like for me to really lose the weight I need to lose and to get into the shape that I need to get into, I need to drop everything in my life and concentrate on JUST that... spend my days exercising and learning healthy lifestyles. I'm not sure if anyone else is interested in this type of thing but if you are, here is the link to the website..... http://www.reallifefitnessandhealth.com/
Well ... I guess I am going to end it here. I will continue to update my blog because I actually really miss rambling on about my life haha. Here are a few photos that I've taken recently <3
Much love to you all <3
-Kayla
 |
| I really miss my sisters.. the left this past weekend. we had a really good time together this summer tho! |
 |
| Leaning to love my body <3 |
 |
| No Make up |
 |
| Reconnected with Sharon... we haven't talked or seen eachother in so long! |
 |
| a Sunday Drive, feeling the wind thru my hair. |
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Time Stands Still
Time stands still. Blurs of motion is all i can see as the people around me rush to help. Their mouths move, but no sound comes out. Just the silence that hangs over my head is heard. Long white halls lead us to our unwanted destination. Five minutes turns into long, excruciating, hours. So it seems. The bad news has brought us it's verdict. But I refuse to listen. My best friend can't be gone.
Dark cold room. Empty. Except for the lifeless body that lays in peace, on the crispy white sheets. The overwhelmed family stands in a hand held circle. The man speaks a prayer. But I'm not listening. I can only hear silence.
Alone. His hands are cold. But no amount of cold can erase the love in those hands. Hugs are given with no return. I beg for this to be a dream. My best friend can't be gone. Dad. You can't be gone.
Time Stands Still.
Dark cold room. Empty. Except for the lifeless body that lays in peace, on the crispy white sheets. The overwhelmed family stands in a hand held circle. The man speaks a prayer. But I'm not listening. I can only hear silence.
Alone. His hands are cold. But no amount of cold can erase the love in those hands. Hugs are given with no return. I beg for this to be a dream. My best friend can't be gone. Dad. You can't be gone.
Time Stands Still.
My rant for the day.
My facebook status is complaining about how negative people are ... and this post is going to be negative with is totally contradicting myself, but this is my blog, and I'm aloud to have a negative rant.
I am so sick and tired of everyone sharing their negative, snotty, pissy opinions on facebook. One reason it totally pisses me off is because, no one would ever dare say the shit they say to you to your face, so it's like a coward way of really letting people know how you feel. And another reason is, it's MY facebook page. I have the right to post whatever status I want whether it be negative or positive. I don't give a shit what other people have to say back to it. Unless it's something positive and up beat. Here's an example :
Last night, the president was on TV. I'm a republican, I hate Obama. A lot of people do. A lot of people love him. Good for them, I don't care. I shared my opinion on how I felt about him, and people just started bombarding my status with stupid shit that , I didn't really care about. Yeah you have freedom of speech, but keep it on your own wall, not mine. Obama already knows a lot of people can't stand him, he also knows a lot of people love him, and that's all that matters really. Let me have my opinion without causing a debate.
A happy example would be....
Last night, I posted a status that I went to Zumba and my Zumba instructor is amazing. People had good things to say to me. That's wonderful. Keep it that way.
And I know what people will say... "don't post the status if you don't want people to reply" Okay... true.. but you post whatever the hell you want on your wall, I'll post whatever on mine.
That is all.
I am so sick and tired of everyone sharing their negative, snotty, pissy opinions on facebook. One reason it totally pisses me off is because, no one would ever dare say the shit they say to you to your face, so it's like a coward way of really letting people know how you feel. And another reason is, it's MY facebook page. I have the right to post whatever status I want whether it be negative or positive. I don't give a shit what other people have to say back to it. Unless it's something positive and up beat. Here's an example :
Last night, the president was on TV. I'm a republican, I hate Obama. A lot of people do. A lot of people love him. Good for them, I don't care. I shared my opinion on how I felt about him, and people just started bombarding my status with stupid shit that , I didn't really care about. Yeah you have freedom of speech, but keep it on your own wall, not mine. Obama already knows a lot of people can't stand him, he also knows a lot of people love him, and that's all that matters really. Let me have my opinion without causing a debate.
A happy example would be....
Last night, I posted a status that I went to Zumba and my Zumba instructor is amazing. People had good things to say to me. That's wonderful. Keep it that way.
And I know what people will say... "don't post the status if you don't want people to reply" Okay... true.. but you post whatever the hell you want on your wall, I'll post whatever on mine.
That is all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)