Random Rant...

So during class the other day, we had a guest lecture, and ... I shouldn't have been writing all of this when he was speaking but I had a lot on my mind.. So I wrote it all out on paper.. and thought it would make a great blog post.. It's basically just a rant I had going on in my head. Some personal stuff that I am not afraid to share with the world.. It's going to be long so.. here it goes!!...



February 15, 2011

So, sometimes I Have mixed feelings about how I feel. I'm absolutely happy lately but at the same time, I'm really struggling with keeping up on my diet and exercising. I'm seeing results but, I want to see them faster and that makes me want to give up because it's such hard work. But.. at the same time.. I'm seeing results already after only two weeks so if I'm seeing them already, would I lose wait really fast if I kept up with it?! I gave up on the thirty day detox. I feel so sick and weak and unhealthy not eating food. I feel a bit anorexic. And I don't enjoy feeling that way. I don't know where that small voice in my head goes to keep me motivated like when I first start. I also haven't felt close to God lately so I haven't prayed and I really need to. Because I really don't want to give up this time and He always helps me through. I'm really hoping that Garrett can give me the strength to keep going with this. I'm hoping I can get him to help push me along... I really want to start waking up early in the morning but, I don't really get enough sleep. Garrett snores =]. Maybe I should get some earplugs =]. I'm also not a morning person but I think I could learn to be. I really need to get a hold of my life and get responsible. I need to start waking up early, do school work, get models early in the day to do tons of shoots, go to school, go home, cook a great supper like a home made meal, exercise, snuggle with Garrett, edit pictures.

 I really want to start volunteering at homeless shelters and places like that, that could help me get into the peace corps. I really need to make it to Africa some day. Hopefully, I can make it to national geographic with my photography and they will send me all around the world. I also just hope I'm really successful with my photography. I'm really hoping I can get some destination weddings so I can travel that way too. Gosh.. I have so much on my mind today but I'm feeling really really anxious too.

I really have baby fever. Like really really bad. I really want one but at the same time, I really want to live my life and travel the world first. I couldn't do that with a baby. So I will keep holding everybody else's babies. When I go home to Maine again, I should really visit with Heather so I can hold Laila. well... Heather too but, to get rid of my baby fever, hold Laila =]. She is such a happy baby and I'm really hoping I can have a happy baby like that when I have children.

I really need to get an amazing portfolio together that I can send into Glamour magazine. Probably Seventeen and other magazines too. I don't know why I'm not confident in myself with my photography. I know I'm really good at it so I don't know why I don't get way more creative. People come to me because they love my work yet I'm not doing all I can do to enhance my images to make them much better. I sent out a casting call on model mayhem to do a fake wedding shoot. I'm hoping I can get some really great shots for that. I want to be so amazingly successful with my photography. I really need to be more aggressive and not be so lazy about it. I just need to become a better person all around. I want to be someone that everybody loves, someone that people look forward to seeing everyday. I don't know why.. but I've never really been a noticable person. I've always been a really quite, private person. I don't feel like people should know my personal life. I also feel like I am a socially awkward person. I don't really know how to act around people.. I'm not really good at making small talk with people either. I never talk to people first because I'm an awkward conversation starter and I'm afraid people would be like "who is this ugly crazy person talking to me." I'm really afraid of being judged in this very judgemental world. Think a lot of my self concious ways has to do with a lack of confidence in myself. I've always been a bigger person and it has made me a very self concious person which if I go back to the beginning, why wouldn't I want to keep up with my exercising?! It would probably give me a lot more self confidence.

I've really been into looking at clothes online. I really want to live a successful and high maintenancelife. I don't want to be a millionaire but I would really like to be financially stable with my life. I'm honestly sad to admit that living that kind of life will never happen for me. I have so much to pay back in student loans that I will probably live at my moms house forever. That really breaks my heart. I love my mom but, I really want to be on my own creating my own fantastic life. I really hope that everything works out for me. I don't feel that I came to Hallmark just to waste a ton of money. I feel that God lead me in this direction for a reason. If He believes I can be successful with photography, then I should believe the same thing. I believe that photography is my calling. I will succeed.