Techno Music and Good Photography

My life has been so wonderful lately =]... I have lost 10 pounds in 11 days.. I am SOO excited! The 17 day diet is SO easy to do and the results are so quick... I feel so much healthier and happy and energetic. I'm loving it! 


SO here is the latest news! The other day I did Harlee's senior portraits... and they're the happiest I've been with my pictures in a LONG time. She's so beautiful to begin with, it was really hard to take a bad picture of her... I could chose between all of them but, I chose the best ones by far! She is really happy with them and it just makes me feel so amazing! =]. We had SO much fun on the shoot (well atleast i did =] ) ... it was full of laughs and corny pick up lines!!! ( If you know me well, you can just imagine what I said! ) So it was a really wonderful start to this high I can't seem to come off from...


Today marked the 10 pound mark on my weight loss adventure. I'm so excited. I've never been able to stick with a diet, but this one is so easy and I love it. Another thing that made me super excited is.... I applied for a job at JC Penny Studios... and I went into the studio today when I was at the mall and asked if they had received my application because I REALLY wanna work there... The guy asked me why I wanted to work there, and I told him because I just graduated from Photography school and I really want a career in photography while I'm trying to start my own business... he automatically knew my name.... It was kind of creepy lol. But he was SO sweet. He REALLY wanted to hire me but, they're not getting enough bookings right now at the studio so there's no way I would get any hours at this moment. BUT!!!!! He does want me to go see him at the end of next month so he can hire me for the Christmas season... SO EXCITING!!  He kept telling me that he was definitely interested and to definitely come back at the end of next month... I'm so excited... he would be a wonderful Manger to have and I feel like I'd have a ton of fun working there!


Another thing is, Garrett FINALLY charged his phone after having it off for almost a week and I got to hear his lovely voice today. He sounded so happy which made me all giddy inside. I love that boy... I miss him a tremendous amount but, I think we're going to make it through! 




SO!! Life is looking pretty great right now. I haven't been this happy for  a LONG time. AND! I get to go to my counselor on Monday... I haven't seen her since before I went to school last year... It's much needed and will keep me on track to being happy... Sometimes I get really proud of myself for admitting that I have depression and knowing that I need the help to be happy.... Counseling really helps me deal with the problems I Have inside and keeps me going strong, so I'm excited to get that started up again...


I hope things are going great for everyone else in my life!! Cause life is TOO short to be miserable.. I love living life... My eyes are finally open and I'm seeing how beautiful it is!


Now back I go to listening to my Techno music and looking at my Good Photography!


<3 Sweet Dreams everyone!!! 


-Kayla

Job Searching.

Hey All! I know that I said I was gunna post pictures of myself almost everyday, and I will soon do that but I'm just getting settled back into my house... unpacking, starting a new diet, trying to spend time with friends before I have to go to work everyday. So I promise I'll get some pictures up soon!!


So... I've started the 17 day diet with my Mom. I'm really really excited about it. I have never been the type of person who can start a diet and stick with it... but I'm feeling really confident with this one. Today will be the third day that I've been on it, and I'm feeling much better already! You can still eat really yummy foods just at a better proportion.. I love it. I'm very thankful to have my Mom and Step-Dad pushing me and helping me along this journey. Not only do I want to be smaller, but I really want to just be healthy. I can feel my health failing and I'm only 20 years old. So I'm really excited to start feeling healthier! 


I'm also looking for jobs. I don't want to go back to nursing because it's mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting. If it comes down to it, I will definitely do so, but I would really like to get a job that has to do with photography. So! That being said... if you know anyone or if you yourself need a portrait done such as, families, seniors, children, newborn, maternity, etc... even animal portraits, please pass it on that I am a new certified photographer looking for any opportunity to take pictures! Or just point me in their direction! Also. If you or anyone you know need a babysitter, like a full time babysitter, I would LOVE to do that as a job too. So please, point them in my direction or point me in theirs, please!


I am getting ready to go to the beach with my best friend, Aimee so I must close this blog up! But please keep me in mind! I'm in desperate need of a job!! Thank you!


-Kayla

The Fat Ass I feel Like.

Lately, all I can see when I look in mirror is an 800 pound looking woman. Although I'm not 800 pounds or anywhere near that, that is all I see when I look at myself. And it is also how I feel when I'm walking from my house to my car, when I'm laying don on the couch watching TV, as I'm typing this blog post. I feel like a disgrace to the planet, like I shouldn't even be allowed to live here. God has given me such a wonderful gift by having a life here on Earth, and I'm not living it very well. I have an eating disorder. I am addicted to food. I purge. When I wake up in the morning, I wonder what I'm going to be eating for supper. It's sick.  It is a constant struggle and everyday that I make it through, I feel I have survived. Many people think "well she's just a fatty , she could stop eating so much food if she wanted to" and it's just not true. I honestly cannot help myself when I am purging. It's like a drug. The more I eat, the more I want. It's an addiction and it's a horrible one. I am not happy with myself or the life I am leading right now. I am going to be dead before I'm 45 if I keep going the way I am and I don't want that. 

So with all this being said... I am basically begging for all the support I can get. I need to be pushed to get out of this slump that I'm in. I need to get off my ass ( scuse my language ) and start working out, start eating right. And I know I can do this because I did it last summer and lost a lot of inches. Right now, I'm feeling really weak, with no motivation at all. Not like I did last summer. When I get home from Mass ( which I'll be back June 30th ) I'm going to start the 17 day diet with my Mom and Step Dad and I'll have a treadmill at my disposal along with some yoga and pilates. 

So.. with inspiration from my friend, Kalea, I'm going to start taking pictures of myself to get a better self appreciation for myself. It'll also show the journey I go through when I start dieting when I get home. Not only will this be a self appreciation project, but it'll be a way for you guys to get to know me a bit more. I'll be taking pictures of habits I may have whether that be good or bad, and just different ways to express how I'm feeling that day.. It may be a daily thing or it may be a weekly thing, either way, you'll be getting pictures. I need to start believing in myself... and I'm going to start changing my life NOW!

Exhaustion.

I am so tired after this week. Although I cannot explain what I am going through, I can tell you that I have been through probably the hardest thing in my life, but I have learned a lot about myself, and I a a very strong individual. I have a very strong Mom and brother who I am just so amazingly proud of. I am so blessed to have them two in my lie. 

I am home this week and yesterday we went to see my Dads side of the family in Hermon. It was so good to see them. I didn't think to take my camera out until it was time to leave so here are the pictures I like the most!!!! 

Aunt Debbi and I <3

Aunt Debbie, Me, Mumma

Aunt Debbie, Me, Aunt Darlene, Mom

Grandpa <3

My baby boy too of course!!!

The last couple of days.

Ugh.. These last couple of days have been so emotionally exhausting. As most of you know, Garrett broke up with me the other day. Ugh. It was horrible. I couldn't stop crying and my heart felt like it had been ripped out from my chest. But instead of laying in bed and crying all day, I pulled myself together and went shopping with my best friend, Ashleigh. Thank God for her. She took great care of me =]. 

Yesterday, Garrett and I went out for lunch and talked. We've decided to work things out. Right now we're just two really confused individual. So while we're still confused about our relationship, we're still going to work things out. And for that, I am very very thankful. I really do love this man. I hope that we can fight through whatever test we're being put through.

I have had an amazing amount of support from my friends and family. I am honestly one of the most blessed individuals on this earth. I couldn't have made it thru the day of the break up without them. They honestly helped me from going insane!! Special thanks to my Mom, Ashleigh, Aimee and Felicia for keeping me sane for the first few hours of the break up. I honestly don't know what I'd do without you guys. 

I am home here in Maine for the week. It's going to be a long, but good week. I'm very excited to be home with my family and my baby boy, Ace =]. I love my puppy! We cuddled for a while this morning. It's really weird ( in a good way ) how comforting a pet is. You can tell them your problems and it's like they know how to cheer you up! I love my puppy =]

I don't really have much else to say. Just thought I would bring you all up to date! I hope you have a great day!

-Kayla

Meditation

I have decided to start meditating every morning. It is such a peaceful thing. Lately I have just been so stressed with school and just everything in my life that I needed to take a step back and really think about the great things in my life... on pandora radio (pandora.com) I typed in, "Relaxation" , and clicked on the first relaxation station I saw and meditated to it. It is SO soothing. When you think of everything in a new positive way, its just so wonderful. You find a way to make things that usually annoy you, turn into something positive, to learn how to get a new perspective on it. And how even though it may still really annoy you, you can find a positive way to deal with it. 


Lately, I have been really annoyed with my friends and family due to the stress I've been feeling... the ones who love me the most and are right there beside me... and I've been pushing them away. I really needed to take a step back and just think of all the joy they bring into my life. I'm such a lucky girl to be surrounded by so much love from both my family AND friends. I feel so blessed. God has treated me so well for 20 years, and I know that He will continue to treat me well for as long as I shall live. 


I just wanted to share with the world that I'm really excited about meditating. Everyone kind of laughs at it because they think it's about a bunch of idiots who sit around and try to find their "inner chi" or their "zen." But honestly... it's a way to relieve a lot of stress in your life and to become a better person..I think everyone should try this!! I'm glad I did.


I hope you all have a great day today!! 
-Kayla

A big wake up call.

Hey all.. So this weekend, I went home to do some last minute photo shoots for my final portfolio at school. It was a lot of fun, my two friends Ashleigh and Sabrina came with me and we had fun. On my last night there, my friend Ashleigh and I decided to watch the biggest loser on hulu.com. And it was just a really big eye opener for me..


I love the show. I love watching the people come in as big as they are and making really great progress and getting really wonderful results by the end of the show. But as I was watching the show, I realized that I am one of them. I may not be 623 pounds... but I feel like I am. The same struggles they have with themselves, are the same struggles I have with myself, and they are not good struggles to have.  But if there is one thing that I have gotten out of the show... it is these two things...


1. I have done this to myself. I have let myself get this big and I can blame no one else for it.


2. I have the courage and the ability to do something about it, so why haven't I done it yet?


And thats when I set some goals for myself this summer. I really want to lose up to 70 pounds. I know that this is probably an unrealistic goal for the few months of summer, but I would like to at least lose 25-30 pounds this summer. If more comes off, then that's great. Not only do I want to look good for myself, but I really want to be as healthy as I can be. I am 20 years old and I am 240 pounds. I will admit, I'm a bit ashamed of that and I always care what people will think when I say I weight that much but right now, I need to do this for me. I need to accept that I have let myself get this way and that I am ready to lose as much as I can to be back at a healthy weight for myself. I want to be able to have children and be healthy for them, I want to be able to run around while I'm doing photography without getting out of breath... I honestly just want to live and be happy while I'm doing it. I want to feel alive. 


I have decided to do the 17 day diet that my Mom and Step-Dad are currently doing right now. I am going to start after my graduation on June 24 and I am NOT going to give up this time. I am going to work my butt off like the people on The Biggest Loser does. I may not have the gym equipment like they do, but I have a treadmill and I have swimming and I can create my own workout routine. I just want to be healthy and to be honest with you, I can't wait to start this change in my life <3




I'll do a brief update on how happy  I am with other aspects of my life and the struggles I'm having too lol. I feel really lucky to have the boyfriend that I have.. He's just an amazing guy... I am one of the very few lucky women in this world to have such an amazing man in my life <3 I feel so blessed. God has treated me so well. I am very stressed out with my Final phase coming to a close but, I'm just going to put all of my faith in the hard work I've been doing and just pray that I do great on my final. I'm so proud of myself and how much I've progressed with my photography. Before I came to school,  I was talking to my grampie and I said, but Grampie, what if I fail.. and he said..." Well... if you fail, at least we will know it's not because you didn't try." I have tried my hardest at this school, and though I have some confidence that I will do fine, if I don't, I will know that I tried as hard as I could.


Onto the last part of my blog.. this part is very personal to me and I wish to share this with  my friends and family,

This girl has become one of my very good good friends. We have been writing letters back and forth to each other and just included each other in our lives. And she has been such an inspiration to me. Like myself, Kalea has a lot of self issues with her body and shares the same feeling about hers as I do mine. But I think she is absolutely beautiful. Kalea has started to take pictures of herself to try and accept her beauty and I just admire her so much for this. I just think she is so beautiful and I wish that I could take a photograph such as the ones that I have shown you of her above. I'm too scared to even take a picture with a shirt on let alone one shirtless. This girl has honestly been such an inspiration to me... I really look up to her and hope to  be half the person that she is one day. Thank you for being in my life Kalea <3 Love you girl <3

And that is all she wrote!! Have a good night all!!

-Kayla